ROMANCE  MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy ______________________________

OFFICE MATH

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

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SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.

A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item she doesn't need.

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GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

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HAPPINESS FORMULAS

To be happy with a man,

    you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman,

    you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

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LONGEVITY RELATIVITY

Married men live longer than single men do,

    but married men are a lot more willing to die.

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PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

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DISCUSSION TECHNIQUES

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

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A HOW-TO-STOP-PEOPLE-FROM-BUGGING-YOU-

ABOUT-GETTING-MARRIED FORMULA

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings,

    poking me in the ribs and cackling,

    telling me, "You're next."

They stopped doing that

    after I started doing the same thing to them

        at funerals.